I started to write this post before we moved house – note how excited I was before the move – oh how the mood does change . . .
Just a quick post as we have now started to move into our new place. Yippee!
I don’t know what got me thinking about this particular experience, but I did!
I think I’ve been mentally ill since I was about 11 years old.
I started to fear going to school. There was no rhyme or reason to it; I wasn’t being bullied, I had friends (of sorts), I was a good student, I could do the work and was in all the top classes. I was also seen as a shy geek.
This fear started to get worse and worse. It was almost like a primal fear. I was trying to protect myself. I begged my mum not to make me go to school. I would be inconsolable, screaming. My poor parents just didn’t know what was going on. Neither did I.
I started saying very strange things, like begging my mum not to hit me when I was crying hysterically – she has never ever laid a finger on me in my life. My family does not and has never believed in smacking children if they are naughty. This is the very first time I have ever written about this. The first time I’ve let it out.
Why was I saying things like that? Something wasnt right in my little 11-year-old head.
I was put on special diets as the Doctor thought it might be an allergic reaction I was having. I was given vitamins, supplements.
Eventually I saw a child psychologist. All I remember is he asked me to run around the room and he would watch. He said he ‘just wanted to make sure I could still do it’. What the fuck??
I don’t know what got me thinking about this. I suppose I’m still trying to get to grips with the Bipolar diagnosis and analysing my past.
I hope you are all feeling well and strong.